And I mean exactly that. There is no in-between. It’s either the greatest or the worst. So, a not-so surprising number of young people think marriage should be a temporary contract, wherein after five or 10 years, you can either renew your marriage or upgrade to a newer/better partner. I took this list very seriously and held no bias. Facts were presented not for the purpose of causing offense, but for science. We will now examine the pros of cons of temporary marriage contracts.


If there are too many problems that cannot be fixed.

Experience marriage to multiple people. (Ever wanted to marry a chick from Ireland but settled for your High School sweetheart?)

Everyone thinks about it. (You get in your 40’s and you’ve been married to the same person since college. Your bodies have changed, but those college girls in the bar you drive passed sure haven’t.)

With the growing times, it could be a solution. (With social media, everyone is cheating anyway. Just look at Grass is always greener on the other side…it’s actually not you dumbass.)

Won’t live in misery. (You’ve got a failing marriage, a mortgage that’s late, three kids that are all in sports. Get out of it and buy yourself a Porsche.)

Traditions don’t mean what they used to. (Lets face it, chain restaurants are dead, napkins are basically dead, people are eating laundry detergent, etc. It’s a new world. Change with it.)

Could make people work harder on their marriage. (OK, here’s a good PRO. You love your wife to the moon and back. You’d do anything for her. But you work late. You go on lots of business trips. She’s upset that you’re never home and you spend no time with the newborn. Step up or shut up dude.)

Able to get out if one gets fat/sick. (Now don’t get offended. I said this is a completely unbiased, truth-based list. Your husband/wife was in killer shape in their 20’s when you first married them. But after years of stress and kids, the pounds came with it. I know you look at that young thang walking down the street when you two are out. Maybe this is your chance.)


Marriage is a sacred thing. (Principles people! Beliefs. Marriage is a death-till-you-part contract. Pretty soon, those words won’t even been there anymore. You signed up for it, so deal with it.

Takes away from the traditional aspect. (Ladies, remember when you were a little girl and you used to play with barbies and imagine your dream wedding one day? Or when your mom would pray that you would marry a doctor or lawyer. Fellas, remember when your dad would look at you and say, “One day you’ll understand. One day you won’t be smiling.” Traditions are pretty much on their way out.”

Gives people an easy way out. (Aren’t happy, then screw it. Break the contract and find that hot piece of ass you didn’t get before. You’ve got a whole lifetime to get it right. That’s why they make Viagra. If the wife yells at you for not mowing the yard…bam…you’re out.)

Who do you decide to have kids with? (This one’s tricky. Now you can’t just go around having kids with every woman you marry. That defeats the purpose of being able to upgrade. Before you know it, you’ve got 6 kids and are on your third marriage. It’s depressing to think that’s actually some people’s lives.)

Makes dating less special. (First date goes well, get hitched. If she turns out to be a crazy bitch on date two, it won’t be long.)

I guarantee the amount of STD’s would go up tremendously. (They say marry someone who is either a virgin or has been tested since you started dating. Both clean? Get married and enjoy a condom-less marriage. If everybody starts getting married multiple times, that gonorrhea number is going to spike.

What about prenups? Will they be obligatory? (There would have to be a stipulation on this. Does she get half after just 5 years? That dude plans on getting married at least three more times.)

Able to get out if one gets fat/sick. (This goes on both lists, because you’re a dick if you actually do this. Taking the easy way are you? You’re scum. That’s your wife. You’re probably no prize either. F*** you.

THAT WAS FUN. IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO ADD TO THIS LIST, HIT ME UP. Instagram: redeyerocker. Facebook: Jackson Heaton